Pirate Talk & The Pirate's Secret®

ARRR Ye Sufferin'? Be Ye In Pain? Arghhh!   

old pirate with eye patch
  • Do yer feet's have a sour odor?

  • Do yer boots smell like whiskey?

  • Do yer youngin's have smelly sports attire?

  • Are ye afeared of the coronavirus plague pandemic?
  • Ye be scratching?  Got ye a bug bite, mosquito bite, a heat rash, or itchy barnacled toes?  
  • ARR ye afeared that mosquitos are going to eat you or your wee ones alive?

  • Does ye have a fever blister, a wart, a fungal infection, or athletes foot?

  • Did ye burn yourself? Is yer skin been scorched by too much sun?

  • Does yer beard whiskers show dandruff? Arrr yer skin itchy under your whiskers?

  • Yo, ho, ho, ye got a new itchy scabby tattoo?

  • Blimey Is yer cousin sneezing all over your ship?

  • Arrr ye nauseous from the scurvey sickness?

  • Are you afeared of touching thee grocery buggy's and public alehouse doors and handrails?

  • Does ye want somethin' for yer skin and ship, that be naturally made with herbs?

  • Then yee’ve come to the right place because . . . 

The Pirate’s Secret® is your Quest Matey!

No need to vex and worry about the scoundrels that thy rats and rodents bring about.

The Pirate’s Secret is out!

And don't ye forget that a whif of the Pirate's Secret® can turn ye into a scoundrel. Yarrrr! The pirate wenches be loving it too!

How Pirates Use the Pirate's Secret​®

  • To avoid a fortnight of full bed-rest, rub a few drops of Pirate’s Secret® on thy hands before meeting with a scurvy pirate that could give you the vapors.

  • If thou are forced to wear ye a mask during the pandemic, ye must first spray the mask with yer Pirate's Mist. 
  • When ye is on the floor of the the latrine & the ship be a rockin ye all night, and yore innards be turned and you churn and churn, spray some Pirate's Secret® on thy kerchief and hold it to thy nose to breathe in the aroma. Breathe thee aroma in till the feelings subside. Thy scent should keep you from hurling over the rails, unless you ate the witches’ chowder. Pirate's Secret® cannot help you if you ate the witches poison.

  • When yer nose be filled with fog from the scurvy crud of the sea, hold yor kerchief scented with Pirate's Secret® to thine nostrils and breathe in deep several times a day.
    Aye and if thee finds thine self in a plague graveyard, hold the scented kerchief tight to thy face.

  • When thy belly is draggin the ground and a pillow isn’t soft enough for thy hurtin noggin, place a few drops of Pirate's Secret® behind yore ears and rub it into thine neck and shoulders for an added sense of comfort.

  • Take thy old kerchief and smother it with the essence of Pirate's Secret® and place it in front of a port hole breeze to cleanse the air in a musty room.

  • Make a mist of thee Pirates Secret® and use it to fumigate a sick room or to take the stank away from a privy or smelly boots or anything else that has ye a foul odor.

  • Arrgh! Matey! The sap of a tree and the ships marine varnish warshes right off yarrrrh hands with the strong Pirate's Secret® formula. It’s Arrrrrmazling!

  • Use Pirate's Secret® when thy hound dog gets SKUNKED. Warsh the dog with Pirate's Gold, some vinegar and some dog soap and thy dog will be able to sleep in the castle that very night. Mist it onto the dogs sleeping area and collar too (but not cats because cats arrr feeble).

  • A few drops on smelly feet & itchy toes aids in reversin' th' process 'o crusty barnacles on thy toes & feet. Returns thee feet to beautiful grog-happy feet.

  • Matey, a few drops of Pirate's Secret® mixed with 1 TBSP lotion or oil, creates a "no bite me" potion that helps ye avoid tiny swamp varmints.

  • Use Pirate's Secret® on a itchy bump that be inflicted from a swamp varmint, or itchy scurvy skin, that makes a pirate say: “Yarrr!! Bring me more GROG!!”, Use a drop, full strength Pirate's Gold, Mate, to ease yer worries. It’ll be fine.

  • 1 to 3 drops in thy bucket of soakin solution softens and puts ye moisture back into thy hands and feet. Helps thee gnarly claws and wooden peg leg too. Arrgh!

  • In thy kitchen galley add a few drops to steamin soapy dishwater for a spit shine ye won’t believe.

  • For a super clean oiling, rub down ye wooden cutting boards with a few drops of Pirate's Secret® after each meal. It restores the glow of the wood grain, while the herbs treat the wood to benefit yer next meal. Food safe surface too!

  • Add 10 drops into ye claw foot tub, for a rub a dub, dub, before headin to Ye 'ol Pub. Aye, The Skull & Scuppers is whar the wenches arrrrrr.

  • Add ye a drop to thy hair tonic solution every now and agin. It’s good for thy hair and scalp.

  • When ye be feeling puny, massage it into thy chest, thy neck, thy feet and thy body. Mix with sum carrier oil if too strong. Can be used in thy ear and nostrils if yer pirate enough.

  • Make ye sum liquid soap and add ye 10 drops of Pirate's Secret®, use it every day on yore hands before you do any surgery or eat yer supper.

  • Place a few drops in ye hot soapy laundry bucket just in case some scurvy pirate slips his shorts into thines warsh. Arrgh, nuthin worse than scurvy pirate’s burley shorts, eh matey?

  • Make a solution of a few drops of Pirate's Secret® mixed with hot soapy warsh water and swab the deck matey! Get thine floors immaculately clean.

  • For ye armpit deodorant, get ye some coconut oil and mix it with bicarbonate of soda then season it with Pirate's Secret® so that the wenches will love ya. Or just use a spritz of Pirate's Mist if yer not too smelly. And don’t forget yore Pirate’s Secret® Premium Beard Oil. The wenches love it.

  • Give some Pirate's Secret® to the wench in your life. Wenches like it for their potpourri.

  • Wenches use it fer ever-thin. Them wenches mixes some of thar Pirate's Secret® with more carrier oil to make it last longer. I needs me a wench like that.